SEX ON THE BEACH – Sex on the beach sounds so hot and romantic, doesn’t it? It’s so popular they even named a drink after it. Then again, they have also invented the Duck Fart drink and you don’t see people making any commotion about that now do you? In any event, sex on a beach is probably the most popular motif in film and books. You are lying out on the sand, under the stars, while the waves crash behind you with your lover as you engage in briny coitus. As anyone who’s ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you’re not extremely careful you’re going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body that don’t need to be exfoliated. And while even places that recommend sex on the beach will point out the sand issue with a little wink and a nudge, they rarely mention the levels of fecal bacteria often found in the sand. In fact bacteria live a fuller, more robust life in the sand than in the water. So when you begin grinding away all nude and lascivious on that sand, chances are some of these tiny organisms with five billion feet will begin finding their way inside your body. This can lead to fun things like typhoid fever, hepatitis A and dysentery, none of which will make your next sexcapade particularly exciting. Isn’t that romantic?
SEX IN YOUR CAR – This “Sexcapade” makes no sense at all. People have sex in their automobiles for four basic reasons. They either still live with their parents at the age of 40, they are cheating on their spouce, they stopped by the strip and picked up a chick named Fantasia who will do it all for five bucks, or they are basically homeless. Obviously none of the above are a bit appealing, or something to which one should aspire. And it’s not like it’s even comfortable despite its trashiness: unless you’re in a Hummer (or getting one), you’ve got precious little room to maneuver, it gets unbelievably humid, and no matter what, somebody is going to pass your car and you’re going to look like a jackass. There’s really no upside (except for, you know, getting laid). Use this method only when completely desperate.
SEX ON AN AIRPLANE – People talk about joining The Mile High club as some great accomplishment that they wear as a badge of honor. But really, it’s the same as the car, except that you have even less room and, if you’re a lover worth your salt (double meaning intended), people are gonna know what you’re doing in there. And while that’s pretty badass, be real, you can’t yell all the terrible things you want to yell without risk of getting air marshalled. Also, those toilets barely even flush, so basically, you’re not only having sex with your lady, you’re banging every bit of number one and number two that the other passenger let out before you ventured in there. Unless you’re on a long, international flight, see if you can’t just make do with giving eachother “a hand” on things… save yourselves for when you land!
SEX IN THE KITCHEN – Ahhh… yes the kitchen. After we all watched 9 ½ weeks every woman around the globe wants to become a sex slave in front of an opened refrigerator with honey and raw eggs dripping down her clothes and kitchen floor and have a lover who looks like Mikey Roorke across her feeding and making mad passionate love to her right? WRONG !!! I am not sure why lubing up and making time in the food quarters is particularly appealing to some people. Is there something inherently appealing about the refrigerator, cutlery and plates, or the toaster and the microwave? Ok… the counter… This might work… but only if you have invested in good materials. So what is the downside of this Sexcapade. Two words: pink eye. Get an ass**ole rubbing up against your counters, then cut some food on it and bangggggggg, you’re eating sphincter and waking up with clap trapped peepers. Not to mention the fact that unless you Clorox everything the next day, then you will eating the remnants of someone’s sweaty butt wipe and, as a bonus, you’ve got some raw poultry remnants on your yam sack, a real undesirable condiment. Yummy huh?
SEX IN THE POOL – For those too lazy to get to the beach or too fearful of an incident involving jellyfish or sharks, there’s the semi-thrill of sex in a swimming pool or whirlpool. What could be hotter than dipping your naked hide in water infused with chlorine and urine, while a pool noodle bobs obscenely along with your ungainly and hard-to-maintain humping? Sounds tempting doesn’t it? Pool sex has the unwholesome side effect of teaching you just how shitty water is as a lubricant while at the same time delighting you with the possibility of forcing water deep into your unmentionable places, leading to infections. If you’re looking to avoid chlorine with some manner of ocean scuba sex, dive researchers would like you to know that when you have sex underwater you’re probably apt to lose track of some important things like buoyancy, which means you could end up floating to the surface quicker then you’d planned and giving yourself an embolism. Now, Sex in the Poli is not familiar with underwater sex but an embolism is probably a total love stick wilter.
SEX IN A NIGHTCLUB – We’ve probably all been duped into going to a club with our friends at some point or other and suddenly, we are mildly dazzled by intensely loud music, potent drinks and there’s an apparent meat market of horribly skanky people we never knew existed ALL IN ONE PLACE! Who are we to complain? Our libidos come to life with all the gyration and movement on the dancefllor and all of this can occasionally lead to unseemly dance floor desires so we decide to sneak off to some bathroom stall and have us some nightclub raunchy nookie. I repeat… You are sneaking into a bathroom stall with a sweaty stranger and are hopping until you go to town without thinking of the dangers involved. The same stall, I might add, where a nightclub full of tanked strangers have been visiting all night. Have you ever tried to take a load off after drinking a bottle of Tequila? Or better yet… How’s your aim? Keep that in mind, when you begin thrusting all bear-bottomed in some bathroom nightclub stall. Every surface in that bathroom is a bacteria risk for things like e.coli, salmonella, shigella and Methicillin-resistant Staph Aureus, etc… Sounds sexy doesn’t it… The bottom line: This sexcapade is a no-no because you are basically having woopy on top of the urine and poo of hundreds of sweaty strangers with uncontrollable bladder control.
SEX IN BACK OF A TAXI – For unknown reasons, some people are down with the idea of sex in the back of a cab. Maybe it’s the feel of that faux leather upholstery, maybe it’s the scent of fake pine, or maybe it’s the thrill of an unshaved man who also stinks of fake pine and is watching you in the rear view mirror. Aside from all the hideous and obvious downsides to cab sex, there’s always the chance you’ll end up on some site like taxicams.com. Cabbies have been caught in the past for having hidden cameras in the their cars to film couples in the back and, as so many girls gone wild have learned, what seems like a good idea at the time turns into an epically crappy idea in retrospect when your grandmother calls you after just getting the internet and wants to know why there’s a video of you on youtube with your fingers lodged inside another human being in the back of a Yellow Cab.
SEX IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS – Few things are more romantic than packing up for a weekend, heading to the great outdoors, getting a fire going, pitching a tent and then crawling inside with your honey for some awkward, claustrophobic sex on uneven ground while insects watch. We recommend you plan such a trip for your next anniversary in lieu of an actual gift they’ll enjoy. Unfortunately, while nature enthusiasts may enjoy the freedom of such a exhibitionist act, there’s some cause for alarm if you’re anywhere near, say, BEAR COUNTRY. Though it’s a debated issue, there’s some evidence to suggest the stank you put off while rutting around in your tent like two sausages trying to fit in the same casing smells like a little slice of heaven to Yogi, BooBoo and Buba the Bear. A couple were found dead in Glacier National Park in the US back in the early eighties after being attacked by a bear and it was speculated that sex is what had attracted the bear to them in the first place. Most people tell you to keep food tightly sealed so that bears won’t come after you, but you should keep your legs sealed for the same reason as well. And let’s be honest… while some sex may be worth being caught by the authorities, you’re hard pressed to present a single case of boning that’s worth a bear attack.
- ON A PORCH SWING – Ah yes… Back and forth, back and forth. Ok, I think one would want to make sure it was weight tested. Having the bolts undo in the throes of passion might make for some lingering back injuries. Given the warranty has expired on mine and there’s some odd density on the L11 that moves around, I think I might take a pass.
- ON TOP OF THE WASHER OR DRYER – Mmmmmm vibrations. Keep in mind that if you have short legs stools will pose an added degree of difficulty, but what else is there to do while waiting to do the laundry?.
- ON A MOTORBIKE – Stopped and parked, obviously. Make sure it wasn’t running recently or you’ll get some nasty exhaust burns.
- ON A ROOFTOP – Reindeer aren’t the only ones that can make noises on rooftops. Hubba hubba! Keep in mind that asphalt grit from the shingles is not the best thing. See re: SEX ON THE BEACH.
- IN A BARN – If you get frisky on a bail of hay, beware of rolling ….Ouch!
- AT A CAR WASH – Clean your car while getting dirty!
- AT THE ZOO – Sure. Anything for a toe curling thrill. When done go to the monkey cage and fling some poo at them, going, “Eat your heart out ASS***OLE!” Then wiggle your thumbs and go, “See these, they’re opposable, baby.” Pause a little and then say, “I guess it sucks to be you, doesn’t it?” Then go for an encore under the sprinklers, because I suspect you will be covered in Monkey poo. I am sure they are jealous of those opposable thumbs and what the female participant can do with them. Mrs. Monkey will be pissed off at you for having raised Mr. Monkeys expectation level. No doubt they will be talking in Chimp with her going, “She can’t do that! Cut me some slack will ya….”