Can a woman really engage in a “sex only” relationship for a long time without having some sort of feelings for the guy she is involved with? Does she put herself mentally in a box which means she will ONLY be a piece of a…s and nothing more? And what happens when she shows some emotion… does the guy run off like cheap mascara? Find out today as Sex in the Poli examines “Sex does not Equal Relationship”.
Is it possible to have sex without emotion? Yes it is. It is completely and totally natural and I really do not know why people feel guilty and/or bat their eyes about it. It’s just sharing a moment of existence between two people. But it’s just that… a moment… no link… just the mechanics… If that is what you choose, of course. But what if you have agreed to such an arrangement and secretly begin falling for your lover?
In playing the dating game and being a living breathing woman with active hormones, conventional wisdom has dictated to me that it isn’t possible for women to have sex without forming some sort of an emotional attachment to their partner, unlike men who can do it freely, separating the act from the emotion. I am sure there are rare cases that can actually just go at it for the sex, but in all reality women do connect with their lovers.
I’d be lying if I said that in one or two specific cases when I started actively seeing someone I wasn’t a bit disappointed with how things turned out – it being not much more than a good time. I too learned that sex doesn’t equal relationship.
Anyway, I had to bring all this up because last week I spent a bit of time catching up with a really good friend, whom I will call Tina in this article. And before anyone jumps to conclusions about respecting another person’s privacy, I told my friend that her story inspired this week’s column and she willingly asked me to give her the fake name of “Tina” for discretion purposes of course and analyze freely.
Being the open-character she is, Tina gave me the whole enchilada on her latest lover.
In comes “Ding-Dong” man!
He satisfied her in ways she never dreamed of, but according to her there was no promise of long-term… because simply put he is involved with someone else. She told me she was there only for the sex, nothing more and simply loving it. “Since I know he’s not the one,” she said, “I don’t see why I just can’t have fun with it?”
Well if the chemistry is right… then why not.. I answered/ After all you know what they say…. “Sex is like Bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, then you had better have a good hand.” And not everyone is into the bicep thing.
After she made this statement I began to ponder over it for a while because I saw that Tina was a bit confused about this arrangement. She was clearly into this guy and not admitting it to herself because subconsciously she was afraid that if she showed any emotion he would run faster than the road runner. Tina tried to convince me that she was there only for the sex, because there were no strings attached, but did I believe her… not even for one second!
I continually advised her to keep her options opened…. and asked her if she secretly desired that he commit to this relationship, but of course Tina would answer commitment shmitment… all I want and need is the comfort.
For the following three days all I heard was “what did I do wrong?” “Why hasn’t he called me.” “I gave my heart and soul to this man!”
And then powwwwwwww….. It turned into a scene from the Exorcist… “I am going to get back at him if it is the last thing I do!”
The role of the eyes really gave me the heebie jeebies. Thank the heavens there was no head twisting.
But hold on…
Didn’t you say you just wanted sex in the first place?
Didn’t you say that you did not want any strings attached?
So what if he did not call you the morning after. So what if he did not telephone you… this is what you had agreed with in the first place.
You simply fell for him dear…. and secretly desired that with every sexual date you had with him he would at one point begin to commit to this relationship.
Being the person I am… I proposed a good barrel of ice-cream, a Latino lover and a Cosmo –shaken not stirred- to her, but to no avail.
Thank God he did, because after four days of this I was actually carrying a rosary and saying ten Hail Mary’s everyday!
This silly, but everyday kind of story got me thinking about open relationships, and the “just-sex” type. And being the analytical mind I am, I want to address Tina via my article and say that she needs a couple of shots of Tsipouro and a good slap on the face.
Tina: It is indeed hard to find that comfortable space between just being happy-go-lucky and accounting for all the ideals that constitute a lasting, deeper interest, isn’t it?
Were you hoping that he might only be interested in sex until he realized that the other parts of him beyond his crotch finally discovered that you were enjoyable?
Oh my my my… Don’t you know that we women need a reason to have sex.. Men just need a place?
My Response to you is simple: I want to give you the biggest hug. And then a hard dose of REALITY.
Ok, listen closely.
Here’s something you NEVER EVER want to forget.
It’s the real truth about how most men think when it comes to sex and “dating” in casual and UNCOMMITTED relationships.
Just because a man has sex with a woman, it doesn’t mean that he’s spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with her or have a relationship in the future. In other words. A man’s not going to ever “see your worth” just because you’ve slept with him. And more to the point, it is NOT the Physical Attraction a man feels for a woman, and getting close to her physically, that makes a man really “feel it” for you and want more.
Sex does NOT equal a relationship for a man.
I’m going to tell you that you need to re-think things… Sex and relationships are two completely different things which have nothing to do with one another.
What makes a man “see your worth” and end up FEELING so strongly for you that he wants a real relationship is something other than sex and PHYSICAL desire and ATTRACTION.
After all you begged me to get you angry…. so that you can take responsibility for not being honest with yourself all along. So I hope my dose of reality gave you the slap you needed to once again find that wonderful rational woman I know.
As for you Mr Ding-Dong Man… keep in mind that women might be like pinball machines, where you can put your money in, and have a good time… But if you ignore the game a bit, smack it around a little… Then its game over for you buddy! !
So be nice!