Not to worry folks… Sex in the Poli to the rescue. Just ask yourself the following questions. Is the opposite gender fighting to ask me out? Do I exude confidence and sex appeal? Can I analyze my partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Well, Sex in the Poli has its standards, and we expect our readers to make the grade, so take these handy quizzes and find out if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir world:
- a) Lovemaking
- b) Scre….ing
- c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
Q. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
- a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
- b) Your blood-test results
- c) Five tequila slammers
Q.3. You time your orgasm so that:
- a) Your partner climaxes first
- b) You both climax simultaneously
- c) You don’t miss the basketball game on the sports channel
Q. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
- a) Healthy, creative love-play
- b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
- c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
Q. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
- a) The best part of the experience
- b) The second best part of the experience
- c) $100 extra
Q.6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
- a) No concern of yours
- b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
- c) A conservative estimate
Q. 7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
- a) A myth
- b) An oxymoron
- c) A moron
Q.8. Foreplay is to sex as:
- a) Appetiser is to entree
- b) Priming is to painting
- c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
Q. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
- a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
- b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
- c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
Q. 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you play with your love stick:
- a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
- b) Is uptight and a waste of time
- c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Score 1 point for every answer “a”
Score 2 points for every answer “b”
Score 3 points for every answer “c”
10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch.
11-20 points: You are an average Joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes.
21-30 points: You are a real man’s man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men’s sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect.
31-40 You can’t add.
For unorgasmic women only, or those that find it difficult to land a man!)
A woman’s place is in the:
- a) House (or Senate)
- b) Bedroom
- c) Office
- d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man’s entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals
When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
- a) “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park”
- b) “Material Girl”
- c) “I Touch Myself”
- d) Theme from “Psycho”
The perfect Christmas gift is:
- a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
- b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
- c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino’s Pizza, and an evening of QVC
- d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons
A woman’s hairstyle should:
- a) Gently accentuate her best features
- b) Not resemble a poodle
- c) Hide the lobotomy scars
- d) Cover the little “666” on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns
If a man wants to date me, he must also like my:
- a) Family
- b) Pet rock
- c) Therapist
- d) Furniture
A romantic evening is best spent:
- a) Before a roaring fire
- b) Having a candle-lit dinner
- c) Country line dancing
- d) Shopping
I want to date a(n):
- a) Lawyer
- b) Engineer
- c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
- d) Anyone who owns a shoe store
What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
- a) Massive chest
- b) Tight buns
- c) Tattoo collection
- d) Credit cards
What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
- a) Sparkling wit
- b) Open mind
- c) Deep understanding of power tools
- d) Huh?
I really get turned on when you:
- a) Are with me
- b) Kiss my neck
- c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
- d) Do the dishes
I can’t live without:
- a) The support of friends
- b) Oxygen
- c) Entertainment Tonight
- d) Makeup
If you were really depressed, I would:
- a) Listen to your problems
- b) Rub your back
- c) Get you drunk
- d) Laugh
My favourite television programs are:
- a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
- b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
- c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and Americas Most Wanted
- d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
My favourite pig out food is:
- a) Low-fat yogurt
- b) Haagen Dasz
- c) Gummi worms
- d) A man’s still quivering heart
A man should know where I keep my:
- a) House keys
- b) Erogenous zones
- c) Ear-wax remover
- d) Guns
I would rather die a slow painful death than:
- a) Betray a confidence
- b) Betray my country
- c) Miss “Wheel of Fortune”
- d) Spend one more minute with you
The most hellish place on Earth is:
- a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
- b) Texas
- c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
- d) Your bedroom
The one phrase I would love to hear is:
- a) “Congratulations, Madame President”
- b) “Oh my god that is the winning lottery ticket!”
- c) “Wow! I’ve never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!”
- d) “What we can’t figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place.”
If a man was to propose to me, I would:
- a) Cry
- b) Call my mother
- c) Be pregnant
- d) Giggle uncontrollably
If when completing this test you notied that you have answered at least one “d” answer… then accept it… you are a frigid biotch and in dire need of help. Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: “A Woman’s Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur” Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample…
(For males and females – One Point for each correct answer)
- 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
- 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
- 3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
- 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
- 5. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
- 6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
- 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?
- 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
- 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?
- 10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?????
SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS!!
ANSWERS: 1. A dentist
2. A wedding ring
3. Peanut Butter
4. A Chewing Gum
5. An elevator
6. A nose
7. A newspaper boy
8. A glove
9. A Crane
10. A toothbrush, of course
2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter!
5-6 Not too dirty.
7-8 Mmmmmm.. Good job.
9-10 Hello…. Do you even know what sex is?