Sex in the Poli: Men are from Mars + Woman are from Venus

Science has proven that men and women are definitely NOT alike. For instance women often complain that communicating with men is like trying to talk to dead wood while men complain that all we women do is blab, blab, blab… Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is that it might have been fashionable at once to believe that we were all persons first and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey, or bull…hit. We are different — in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships, sex, and every day common things. Sex in the Poli today lists documented proof of this and proves that Men are definitely from Mars and Woman are from Venus.
To prove my point, and keeping in line with this column, lets analyze the subject of sex. For some men the only time they are not thinking about sex is when they are actually having it. For women it is more talking about men’s desire for sex and laughing at the men, thinking that they have them all figured out…then they eventually sometimes regain their sanity.
You see, women think there is something to figure out about men but there really isn’t. If you could see inside the typical man’s mind you’d see…Sex…sports…Sex…eat…SEX…sports again…take a dump… and also a lot more SEX. And that’s about it. Oh and I did forget beer for some of them too. It really doesn’t get a whole lot more complicated than that.
But if you looked into a woman’s mind it would be a whole different story…”What is he thinking?”…”What is she thinking?”… “Does my ass look big in these jeans?”…”Why did he look at me like that?”…”Was he just flirting with me?”…”Should I have sex with him?”… “Am I gaining weight?”…”Yes, my ass is definitely too fat for these jeans.”…
But don’t worry folks, Sex in the Poli guarantees that if you study hard with the lists in hand, then you can limit the differences… and who knows… you can even get lucky!
Element Name: WOMAN
  • Symbol: WO
  • Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)
  • Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
  • Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
  • Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
  • Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
 Element Name: MAN
  • Symbol: XY
  • Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
  • Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
  • Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
  • Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
  • Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

WOMAN HAVE TO KNOW WHEN NOT TO PUT THEIR FOOT IN THEIR MOUTH

  • He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  • He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
  • He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
  • He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  • He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  • He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  • He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  • He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
  • He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
  • He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
  • He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
  • He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
  • He doesn’t have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
  • He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
MEN HAVE TO KNOW WHEN TO SPEAK (if they know what is good for them)
  • DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
  • SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
  • SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
  • ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
  • DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
  • SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
  • SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
  • ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
  • DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
  • SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
  • SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
  • ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
  • DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
  • SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
  • SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
  • ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate
  • DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
  • SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
  • SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
  • ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. 
THE REAL MEANING OF DEFINITIONS 
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  • FEMALE: Any part under a car’s hood.
  • MALE: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  • FEMALE: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
  • MALE: Playing any sport without a “cup.”

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  • FEMALE: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
  • MALE: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
 BUTT (but) n.
  • FEMALE: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
  • MALE: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
  • FEMALE: A desire to get married and raise a family.
  • MALE: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
 ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  • FEMALE: A good movie, concert, play or book.
  • MALE: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  • FEMALE: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
  • MALE: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  • FEMALE: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  • MALE: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  • FEMALE: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  • MALE: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
  • FEMALE: An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner’s attention.
  • MALE: 6 months off from spending time with what’s her name.
 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH
  • What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 
  • I’m hungry = I’m hungry 
  • I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy 
  • I’m tired = I’m tired 
  • What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
  • Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before 
  • Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = 50 bucks and it doesn’t look that much different! 
  • I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
A MAN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
  • What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 
  • We need to talk = I need to complain 
  • Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to 
  • I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important 
  • We need = I want 
  • It’s your decision = the correct decision should be obvious by now 
  • Do what you want = you’ll pay for this later 
  • I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! 
  • You’re … so manly = you need a shave and you sweat a lot 
  • You’re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? 
  • I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period 
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. 
  • I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white 
  • Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! 
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep 
  • Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive 
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like 
  • I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 
  • Is my bum fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful 
  • You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 
  • Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.] 
  • Yes = No 
  • No = No 
  • Maybe = No 
  • I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry 
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house 
  • Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it 
  • Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. 
  • All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
  DIFFERENCES IN VARIOUS AREAS OF LIFE MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults, whereas most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. Here are a few more that I think you will find pretty interesting! 
BATHROOMS
  • A man has 6 items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 
 GROCERIES
  • A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
  • A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items- or-fewer lane. 
 SHOES
  • When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
  • A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. 
 GOING OUT
  • When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
  • When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup… 
 OFFSPRING
  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 
 DRESSING UP
  • A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. 
 DAVID LETTERMAN
  • Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
  • Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. 
 LAUNDRY
  • Women do laundry every couple of days.
  • A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.” 
 WEDDINGS
  • When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”.
  • Men talk about “the bachelor party”. 
 SOCKS
  • Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.
  • Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles that have pictures of clouds, or have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 
 NICKNAMES
  • If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
  • But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. 
 EATING OUT
  • … and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. 
 MIRRORS
  • Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
  • Women are ridiculous. They will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head. 
 MENOPAUSE
  • When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
  • Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. 
 TELEPHONE
  • Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
  • A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three yours. 
 ADMITTING MISTAKES
  • Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
  • The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 
 RICHARD GERE
  • Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
  • Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. 
 MADONNA
  • Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. 
 CAMERAS
  • Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
  • Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. 
 GARAGES
  • Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
  • Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. 
 MOVIES
  • Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
  • The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. 
 JEWELRY
  • Women look nice when they wear jewellery.
  • A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. 
 TIME
  • When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. 
 CONVERSATION
  • Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., “Wow, great movie” — “What, are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size” — “Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys,” etc.
  • Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mmmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on. 
 FRIENDS
  • Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time.
  • Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?”
 RESTROOMS
  • Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
  • Women use restrooms as social lounges.
  • Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
  • Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
Sources:
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