Sex in the Poli fans rest easy we are not leaving the ladies off the hook in the mistakes category. From getting sloppy with seduction to carnal constraints, women, just like men (check relevant story here) , make many mistakes in the bedroom. It is time to renovate your love life. Get rid of the Boo-boo and Lamb-Pooh hug bear mood. Today’s Sex in the Poli examines the mistakes women make while having sex and allows the ladies to take their love caves, floor-to-ceiling, from the fluffy cuddling mood into a raw cheetah-print that says “meow”. One word of advice… if your check list contains more than ten of these, you’ve got some serious things to consider!
- COSMO IS NOT A SEX BIBLE – Stop using Cosmo as a sex bible. The article entitled “100 Sexy Surprises to Drive Your Man Wild” has at least 85 things that is never going to make the male species want to sleep with you again! Here’s a good litmus test: If you think it’s something that they think is weird, deviant or crazy, JUST DON’T DO IT. I’m not sure where they find the men they interview for these articles – perhaps they find them in the offices of a magazine written for women – (Duh…) do you really think these are the men that should be advising your sex life? Wouldn’t it be better if they visited a football team’s locker room? But seriously.. if you want advice from a magazine… then read steamy PENTHOUSE LETTERS – yes those naughty letters… they are indeed contrived – but at least they won’t get you kicked out of bed.
- JUST LIKE AN ICE CREAM CONE – Enjoying an ice cream cone, or love stick is not something women only do in porno movies, and it’s not one of the services Rhonda the hooker offers in the back seats of cars and/or dark alleys, but rather an important part of the whole experience and can be extremely enjoyable and pleasurable for both. Close your eyes and imagine you are somewhere in the Bahamas it’s a scorching +45 Celsius and you are walking past an ice-cream parlour. The rest will come naturally.
- R2 – D2: When in the process don’t just get on the end of his ice-cream cone and jam your head back and forward, back and forward, back and forward like a robot. You are not auditioning for a part in Starwars! Oh… and when it comes to oral fixations, this feast should not involve fangs. Teeth scraping is not allowed, remember ice-cream requires tongue techniques!
- MILKING IT: Ladies, ladies, ladies… when stroking a love sword don’t grab it like it is part of an X-Box gadget and start jerking it like a piece of gym equipment to strengthen your forearms. Be careful! Listen to his moans… if they sound painful, that MEANS THEY ARE… if, on the other you start hearing snoring… it means that you should quicken the tempo… let the noise be your guide.
- SHOW A SIGN OF LIFE – Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you are not dead and have not suffered a minor stroke rendering you unable to move, after all most of us don’t like to have sex with a corpse. As for audio… it would be ideal to have walls that sustain sound, but if you need an excuse for your neighbours use an answer like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.
- BE CHARITABLE – We wear “puppy-cups” every day and we know as a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. So before you strip down to your birthday suit help a brother out will ‘ya! If you are shy and want to undress in the dark… forget about it. Give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either. I mean you don’t have to put on a full cabaret act but keep in mind that his eyes are an erogenous zone too. Your goal should be to show him that you’re sensual, open-minded and most of all that you’re into him.
- PHONE TURN-OFF: Don’t put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: “I’m just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime.” Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
- NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance is definitely not going to enhance it and it will not promise a second round in the bedroom for you. Oh and never EVER ask, “Is it in yet?”, and never say “it’s so cute” to him, no matter what the situation is!
- AMAZON WOMAN – Yes, waxing hurts. Indeed some ladies don’t want to look like a frozen chicken, and that is fine, but you don’t have to be a supporter of bush country. Go to Africa or somewhere in Australia to live out your adventure, but don’t expect your man to like it. You have to master the art of landscaping ladies. And while no one’s asking you to wax down to a landing strip because you are not into Brazilian forests then it would be nice for you to at least trim.
- LETHAL WEAPON – It’s one thing gently teasing his back with your nails – it’s quite another digging them in like you want to leave an autograph! It does not feel good at all. Also… while on top it would be wise to concentrate on your bouncing technique, you don’t want to break a guy’s love stick.
- SHOOT UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITE OF HER EYES: When men shoot they always want us to share this ecstatic moment with them, and most of us women close our eyes. Now… love juice is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – so if he insists that you visually share this experience with him then I suggest you pull back 50 centimetres to the right and 23.5 centimetres south… it should hit the brow, and you can both be happy.
- MAINTAING A FISH POND – Unless it was a spontaneous moment on a hood of the car parked at the picnic spot on the side of the highway, don’t forget to wash down there before sex, especially if you enjoy a bit of the old cunning linguistics. During the day, women do sweat and by night time it can start smelling like the fish market in Bussan in South Korea. Oh… and let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t, always good to keep some on hand before and after the act.
- WANNA-BE SANDRA DEE – Yes, sex exists all over, in the woods, the fields, in cars, the stairwells of public buildings, in the changing rooms at the local pool….just be wise enough to know when the risk isn’t acceptable, but puts you in danger of a court appearance. Also, it would be fun to try out some new toys, just make sure that you have a spare set of keys for your handcuffs! They always come in handy. Also, launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to sex your puppies is a total passion killer. Just push them together and enjoy yourself!
- BEING SHY: Many of us worry about ladylike behaviour, but the occasional potty mouth can be a passion-inducer. So don’t be shy! Learn to talk dirty. I’m not saying sound like a truck driver or a Harley Davidson kitty (unless that’s your thing), just join in and be naughty with him. Who knows? You might deserve a good spanking for talking like that afterwards!
- THE BIG “O” – The trick is to just let loose with approaching the Big “O”, so what if they dub you the frisky neighbourhood soprano! And no… you cannot express yourself with sign language.
- STOP IMITATING MARTHA STEWART – Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash. Wiping his love potion off a missed target is one thing, but do not get up immediately after like Martha Stewart and change the sheets so you can get the other ones in the washer.
- TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself. No chat shows or gardening programmes should be viewed.
- AFTER SEX – You may have noticed that guys after sex are like cows out to pasture; satisfied and docile, but with very little brain activity going on. Suddenly jumping out of bed and suggesting a game of Scrabble or a Pilates workout, or starting a conversation about which of the powers from Heroes we would most like to have, is not going to be really well received. Oh and also it would not be wise to reach over and pull a pregnancy test out of your nightstand, and say “cross my fingers” with a big smile on your face then run off to the bathroom.