Before you men get into your “man mode” and begin going by the rule “she’s got the entry and I have the access”, keep in mind that there are many things to avoid before you jump all over her like a tiger at a sirloin barbeque. They’re all pretty much guaranteed passion killers, and it would be wise to educate yourself on what to avoid. Today’s Sex in the Poli focuses on the mistakes men usually make while having sex. One word of advice… if your check list contains more than ten of these, you’ve got some serious things to consider!
- Learn to kiss – Avoiding her lips and diving straight for her hooters is not going to cut it. Her lips are one of her strongest erogenous zones! If you skip this part it will make her feel that you are paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out non-essentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. So practise, practice, practice oh… and keep your saliva at normal levels.
- Stop imitating hurricane Katrina – Admit it, some buddy told you girls love when you blow hard into their ears right? Well, there’s a fine line between being erotic and letting out a few small little puffs to blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake! What do you want to come across as… hurricane Katrina? It is annoying and it hurts us!
- Shake off that Chewbacca look – You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion she is feeling but rather pain! So remember to shave. You do not want her to produce a red rash so she can remember you. Oh… and while you are at it, keep in mind that wearing tight underpants and having a forest without shaving can lead to leaks from both the right and left sides.
- Radio knobs or hooters – Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Boys, women’s “puppies” are not television channel guides… why on earth do you insist on twisting and turning them! You know what I am talking about… that thing where you twiddle them between your finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a mountainous area. Focus on the whole breast, not just the exclamation points.
- Ignoring the other avenues of her body – A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Holland Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown, so the smart thing would be to start paying some attention to them.
- Get rid of the Armpitilla – If mosquitoes are refusing to sting you… there is indeed a problem. If there’s one thing that turns women off, it’s a lover who’s infested with manly armpitilla. Even though men have a higher smell threshold than women, keeping yourself clean – especially under the armpits and all the other more intimate corners of your anatomy is not just a matter of courtesy, it’s a ticket back to the bedroom.
- Leaving her a present – Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it. Dispose of the condom tidily in a tissue; don’t just throw it on the floor. Place it in the bin rather than down the toilet or it’s likely to float there for some time to come.
- Wedgies are not a turn on – Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy, but suddenly pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not a turn on. She could get a rash!
- Stuffing banknotes up the chimney – When during foreplay you begin making your way to her little cave of love, keep in mind that just because a baby comes out of there it does not automatically give you the right to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. Be gentle.
- Massage or torture– If you decide to give her an erotic massage so that you can relax her and get her into the mood keep in mind to always use hands and fingertips, elbows and knees are a no, no.
- Naked and Ridiculous – Don’t force the issue by stripping down to your birthday suit before she’s at least made some move getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons. Oh and for God’s sake… nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and underpants, except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don’t understand why, just learn to accept it.
- Industrial Power Tool – When you get to actual “act”, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool. She’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly. And remember if you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
- Shooting too soon – This is certainly every man’s fear and with good reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. On the other hand if you have been there for more than an hour, it’s more likely the mark of a numb Bermuda Triangle. At least make sure you click on the television so she does not fall asleep while you’re playing Marathon Man.
- Asking her if she experienced the big “O” – Hello… you really ought to be able to tell, and if you don’t… don’t ask.
- Slamming her head southwards – Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-wee level, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-wee wee. All women hate this, because we feel like it’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by our hair. Gentlemen, if you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her and trust me she will make her way down there. Oh and just before you begin “shooting” it would be wise to warn her, because depending on what you have eaten that day… she could be getting a mouthful of sea water mixed with egg white, and may not like it.
- Missing the target and saying it was an accident –This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, just ask her, and no… don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.
- Hand marks are not necessary – Slapping her erotically on the arse is fine if she likes it, leaving a handprint there is not. So make sure you do not whip, but rather slap gently. Oh and slapping your stomach against hers while in the missionary position is not sexy at all, I repeat this is not sexy at all… its more like a belching contest.
- Help 911, I need an Orthopaedist – If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed then that is fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast do not get too ambitious. After all you do not want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
- Stop being a Coach! – Don’t shout encouragement to her like a coach with a megaphone. Trust me… it is not a turn-on! Talk softly to her, but not too much or she will think that you are a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line.
- Leaving a badge of honour – Leaving a hickey on her neck like a badge of honour is a no-no. If you’re over sixteen, this is a no-no. If you need to know why, you’re obviously under sixteen.Oh and finally, never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.