Candice Bergen once said that she may not be remembered for being one of the most talented actresses, but she will be remembered for screening a great orgasm. “Ten seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack and die a little. “ Boys, if she is singing a funky version of Old McDonald with a load of ehhhh, ahhhh and ohhhh and her south is dryer than hell on a hot day, then chances are she is bored and just wants it to be over and done with, and yes she is faking it. Today Sex in the Poli asks: To fake or not to fake … that is the orgasmic question.
I live in an apartment building with roughly 26 apartments. Last year, a young girl moved in who loved to leave her windows completely open. Everyday like clock work, she and her body-builder boyfriend broke the sound barriers with “hehehehehe” followed by “yesyesyes!” and then an explosion of high-pitched “ohmygodohmygodohmygod!”
On one day in particular, the decibel ratio on her cries was so loud that it prompted everyone in my apartment building to rush to their windows and find out where the cries were coming from since our less than optimal walls can only sustain a certain level of sound. At first I was hesitant, but after secretly peaking through my bathroom window I had to finally participate in this investigation with them because they didn’t know it was the apartment under me, but were all directly staring at my apartment!
After shrugging my shoulders and asking my neighbours in sign language what was going on… and basically indirectly indicating to them to stop looking my way and that it wasn’t me, I quickly returned to my living room and simply raised the music, to ward off the sound. I was somehow relieved that I wasn’t signaled out as the new frisky soprano of the neighbourhood. I can’t say the same for my curious neighbours, being the Greeks that they are they continued the search and yes… they even formed teams. They eventually found the source and as silly as this all sounds, they even made a ringtone out of her cries. (This is no exaggeration)
My question afterwards was of course was she for real, or was she faking it? Following this incident, if you asked the same question to any of the residents in my building everyone said “absolutely”, or “damn right it was real… did you hear how he made her scream?” They even wanted to find her macho boyfriend and commend him his performance. I wouldn’t be suprised if they dedicated a statue to him as well.. oh brother…
All I remember is the “Androuklara Mou” look -or the Trojan Man look- all my neighbours had every time the body-builder exited the building… and all the “aaaahhhhhh” sounds our female bachelors made when seeing him. He was worshiped by men, and lusted by every female in a two block ratio. As for the star of the show, well I need not tell you that the ringtone almost won the mobile grammy’s in my neighbourhood and I know for sure that she has become the fantasy of every man I know.
Now why is that, is it because he made her scream and does this prove the theory that she actually had an orgasm?
Can this be right…?
Not really folks!
Remember the most famous scene in “When Harry met Sally” when Sally faked an orgasm in the middle of a restaurant just to prove a point to Harry? Or the Sex and the City episode when Miranda’s guy of the week asked her to scream out dirty words to him when she was reaching the big “O” and the only thing she was able to do in bed with him is have an “orgasm alert” with the typical “I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come – because, well, I’m gonna come” word play?
Audible reinforcement is not your best way to tell if you have had great sex. This is not just my opinion, studies have confirmed that some 80% of women admit to faking those “ououou’s“ “ahhhs” and “yesssses“, many females reveal that they just do it to speed up their partner’s ejaculation due to boredom, fatigue and discomfort.
More specifically a study released in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour shows that some of those seemingly uncontrollable “ohmygodohmygods” during an “apparent” orgasm are often fake and just meant to “manipulate” men into finishing earlier.
The study, conducted by Gayle Brewer of the University of Central Lancashire and Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds, included the participation of 71 women between the ages of 18 and 48. According to the data, the vocalizations were broken down into categories that included “silence,” “moan/groan,” “scream/shriek/squeal,” “words” (such as “Yes!” or the partner’s name, and “instructional commands” such as “more… more.” Other questions included why women made the vocalizations and at what point they themselves had an orgasm, if they had an orgasm at all, and, if not, why they were doing all that shouting.
Well, it turned out that “women were making conscious vocalizations in order to influence their partner rather than as a direct expression of sexual arousal,” Brewer said. In other words, the sounds the women emitted were not because they were out-of-control and/or excited, but because they were utterly bored, or wanted to just please their partners and commend him for his performance. In fact 92 percent of the participants said that they did this to boost their partner’s self-esteem.
So case closed in my book as far as my frisky neighbour is concerned. Of ourse I accept the theory that all of it can also be true… but come on folks generating Dolby surround sound at a four channel level is just not real!
So on to the next obvious question… was her orgasm fake or real?
I guess the first thing would be to examine what types of fakes are out there first:
- Pitty Orgasm: The guy already has really low self-esteem and you’re taking pity on him by trying to boost his performance and confidence. His mother and all his previous ex’es have probably done the damage and he is afraid of every move he makes with you. Typically he is the type of guy that just wants to please you, but first you need to boost his confidence.
- Get It Over so I Can Go to Sleep Orgasm: No need for explanation on this type of fake. Boredom and fatigue have a lot to do with it. If for instance you have to use this fake, or you notice that your partner is using this fake just remember not to read a newspaper while during the act, or watch an episode of Days of Our Lives. IF you see that this fake continues for some time, then it probably means that its your last time in the sack with this guy, or our married gals might discover that their mate is pumping lead elsewhere and couldn’t be bothered.
- It’s Just Not Going to Happen Tonight Orgasm: You have had a long day and you are PMS-ing, and you are generally not in the mood. He ordered Chinese food, wore his sexy boxers and even shaved. He dedicates a night of foreplay to you and does not care about his own enjoyment… it’s simply not his fault! So why make him feel bad about not achieving climax when he so clearly enjoys being able to do all that for you?
- We Both Had too Much to Drink Orgasm: This by far is the funniest type of fake. Alcohol and sex are synonymous with one another, and women are helpless after a couple of martinis and totally in the mood. A little loosening up and indeed things get smoking, but too much makes for one uncoordinated, sloppy mess. Belching is definitely not an option and not a turn on here and this fake is necessary and 100 percent forgivable considering the fact that you need to hurry things up because you will either be prompted to throw up, or run for a wee-wee to the bathroom.
- Cry for Help Orgasm: This is standard operating procedure for the type of woman that is pre-orgasmic. I will be more specific, she fakes it because she doesn’t know what the hell she wants much less how to ask for it and do it. Many young girls suffer from this and use this fake all the time, because great “O’s” only come with years and years of practice and lots and lots of experience.
- Are You Kidding Me Orgasm: This category of fake orgasms includes women who are in love and generally enjoyed the sex with their partners but not till the point of having their eyes roll backwards. That means that their man indulged them with the right foreplay, and his performance was great… and no he didn’t roll over and sleep afterwards but lovingly held you and comforted you. His concern and tenderness prompted him to ask “did you finish?” and being the woman you are, because you love and adore him, you answer “of course honey”. Or you come put on a sexy face and say “yeah baby it was great” or even better “Oh my God, you couldn’t tell?”. If you use this fake, make sure after each sentence to add many “i love you’s” and “i need you’s” or “you are the best thing that happened to me”, it makes it more effective.
- I Do Not Want To Discuss it Orgasm: Something is just not working during both your performances or its just something in the air that is spoiling the mood altogether. The position, timing and God knows what else is all wrong, you do not want to analyze it further in your mind so you fake an orgasm to avoid the discussion altogether. This is possibly another variation to the “It’s just not going to happen tonight” fake.
- I’m Bored & Screaming Will Keep Me Entertained Orgasm: Eureka… I think my neighbour falls in this category, -if we took in account that she was faking it-. Maybe she knew beforehand that she couldn’t reach the big “O” and kept herself entertained by seeing if she could keep the neighbours on their toes. (it worked)
So my next obvious question is why do we do it? I mean come on… we have all done it at some point or another, Sally (from the movie scene above) is completely right.
Maybe when we were very young and didn’t know how to enjoy sex but were rather searching for experience to enjoy sex, we maybe faked a couple of “O’s” because we basically did not know what the hell we were doing. Maybe we are too concerned about letting go in bed with our partners and actually allowing ourselves to enjoy something that is only meant to give us pleasure, and maybe it is one of the reasons that are listed above.
The answer is varied, and highly debatable, sometimes we’re not always in the same place sexually with our partner and we agree to sex because we feel guilty because they want to be intimate with us, or we just want to put an end to the nagging altogether. I also know, through conversations with friends that some women also agree to having sex, even though they are not in the mood with their mate only because they feel insecure with them. Others agree to have sex to help relieve stress, only to find it didn’t quite help in the way they had hoped. A big “O” for both partners is unlikely if stress is involved, or the ambiance is not right, or you are tired.
In simple words, there are many reasons.While our concern is always centered around our partners, have we asked ourselves the almighty question… do men really care if we reach the big “O” or not?
The answer is simple, the majority doesn’t….
Men have goals and are known to meet their objectives. The objective of having sex for a man is to get his rocks off plain and simple. If the woman gets what she needs in the process then that is fine, but men keep their eyes on that primary objective! Whether they are in love or not, whether they truly want to please their partner or not, or even if they claim that our pleasure is more pleasurable to them, the way they handle the big “O” is to make sure they knock it off their performance list first so they can get their primary objective met. Think about it… multitasking doesn’t work out so well for most guys, especially when sex is involved.
What about those occasional few that actually do give s…it, and go the extra mile to make sure that we are 100 percent satisfied. Well boys, there are some (exaggerated) tangible signs that she might be faking it.
If she sounds like a broken record with the moaning, then this is your warning sign that she is in complete “auto pilot” and is just waiting for it to be over and done with. You know what I’m talking about, ”ohhhohhh.. mmhhmm… ohhhohhh… mmhmm” over and over with the same note.
If on the other you notice that there is a just weird breathing tone in her voice, then this might mean that that she is figuring out her grocery list while you think you are giving her the best climax of her life. Either that or she could be nasal.
If she suddenly twists the mood around and begins saying naughty words to you and puts on her dramatic face, thrusts her nails in your back as if she was filming an adult movie maybe it is because she looked over at the time and realized you were taking too damn long so she is helping you to speed things up. Take it from me, get out of there quickly unless you like poor performances.
And finally if you have to ask her if she had a big “O” and were not sharp enough to figure out through her spasms and body language that she had one, then… your gal has faked it one hundred percent!
My opinion on all this is simple, everyone should live to be 100 have as many orgasms as they can and then simply drop dead. Enjoying intimacy is mandatory, and the most exciting feeling and we are all entitled to it. Understandably it’s not easy to do when we are uptight, tired, stressed or unhappy in our relationships. The advisable thing would be to communicate with your partner and look for other ways to reach an “O” such as toys and other such things, if this does not work then maybe you should seek help from an expert advisor (and this does not mean a night with a Chipingdale dancer) and if you are single, and have tried to work things out and you still notice the problem then just dump the guy… it is not going to work! Sex accounts for 50 percent of our relationships, if it starts to become a “chore” instead of something that is enjoyable, then the relationship will become toxic. Follow Mae West’s advice… “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”